Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Fireheart - Richard's New Adventures (abridged version)

The goats were restless, and the humans didn't know why. The former city of Aydindrill, nowadays known as Aynrandill by Lord Rahl's decree, lay under a magnificent spring sun. It looked like a normal day. But it wasn't. Lord Rahl had decided to take a look at this particular part of his realm.

Richard teleported to the central square with Kahlan and a flock of Mord-Sith in tow. His appearance was accompanied by a flash of black lightning with rainbow fireworks and an extended organ fanfare. Richard understood the value of public relations. All around the central square people turned to stare. Little girls in their padded jaw-protection outfits run in terror to their mommies. Richard glared at the children menacingly, daring them to make a wrong move.

The people at one particular street café looked unimpressed. In fact they didn't even move. In fact they were dead and buzzing flies. The owner of the café lay among them, which explained why nobody had bothered to call the privatized waste disposal.

"It looks like those people ate some yellow sweet pepper and didn't know about how you poisoned all the yellow fruit in Midlands last month in order to get at the socialist Sisters of the Red," Kahlan said.

"Sucks to be them," Richard commented.

"Really, how hard is it to avoid yellow fruit?" Cara said. "You poisoned all the brown food in the Old World to kill Jagang Jr. and his testicle-eating army, and still the Old World managed to come up with Jagangina the Nippleless and her nefarious plot to find the long-lost Boxes of Chaoden in order to make every Collectivist equally omnipotent." Cara had forgotten that Richard had cast a Memory Charm over Midlands to prevent anyone ever realizing that yellow fruit was poisoned so that no sympathiser could warn the Sisters when it turned out that the Feminine Supremacy Ceremony with its ritual pepper eating would be delayed due to Chase's unforeseen resistance to torture.

"And people wonder why I had to cast the Ritual of Atomic Fissioning on the Old World to defeat Jagangina," Richard said. "The Oldworlders truly deserved that for not having stopped Jagangina, and so did the traitors who complained. With my moral celery - I mean clarity - I have made the world a better place. As you all know, when I gathered the whole set of the Wafers of Mass Destabilization and did away with the molecular structure of the Ancient World and its sinister Czar-Wizard Jimikarter, none of the cursed peace protestors was alive to complain."

Richard chortled. Kahlan chortled. Cara chortled. All of the generic Mord-Sith chortled.

A blind, one-legged veteran of the wars against Jagang (the original version) did not see who was coming and extended an arm with a tin cup, begging for alms. Richard's thing immediately rose in him and he kicked hard the lazy bum. The bum's jaw shattered like glass and he flew fifty meters in the air until he collided with a building and lay on the ground like a limp rag of discord.

"This brings to my mind," Richard asked Cara, "how's the charity program going?"

"Very well," said Cara. "Our agents have identified more than the target number of serial charity-givers. Soon we will have a fresh batch of Mord-Sith."

Of course it wasn't illegal to give to charity. That would have been infringing on people's freedom to be stupid. However, the youngest of Richard's Mord-Sith was by now in her mid-thirties and threatening to develop wrinkles. Richard has found out that War Wizard powers made him immortal and eternally young, but they did not extend beyond a War Wizard and his wife. Richard needed fresh blood. A good, vicious Mord-Sith had to have been an especially gentle girl, and there the flaw of having charity-genes in one's genome was actually a virtue. So logically the best use for weak-minded charity-givers and their spouses was to be tortured to death in the training of a Mord-Sith. Richard was sure about that, and as he was always right, he did not doubt himself. After the training was complete, he would take the girls to a park and teach them how to feed chipmunks, thus restoring them to truth and emotional balance while retaining their useful abilities. It was flawless, as only a plan by Richard could be.

Suddenly, the sun grew dark. The earth shook, throwing Richard, Kahlan, Cara, and the generic Mord-Sith all over the place. Instantly a vast chasm appeared that spouted smoke, fire, and brimstone. A dark shape instantly rose from it. With terror Richard realized that it looked like a gigantic evil chicken - but it was not a chicken. It cackled a horrific chicken cackle.

"The day of doom has come!" the chicken that was not a chicken and was not a Chime either screamed. "You will all die! Those that do not die will be raped to death repeatedly if female! The males who do not die will be tortured to death! The rest will be read Communist Manifesto for days on end until they turn into demons!"

"Who are you supposed to be?" Richard said.

"I am the Keeper, the Lord of the Underworld! Terry Goodkind has promised to finally end this series, honest, not lying, and he needs something more special than yet another trumped-up villain like mecha-Violet or the Dread Gandhimancers of the Northlands with their hunger strike power. Let's see how you can handle the Devil himself, eh?"

"Blade be true this day," Richard said, looking magnificent in his dark black War Wizard outfit, a shining beacon of the purest nobility of the human spirit, undaunted by the evil creature in front of him that wanted to bring him down to blackness with it like a rain shower dampening a campfire of black flames.


"Richard, where are you?" Kahlan shouted. But she was all alone. Suddenly a big, dark shape rose in front of her.

It was... a namble!

Kahlan looked at the namble in terror. It was very big and scary and it had a cock that was also very big and scary and barbed besides. A cock that was aching to rape her. Kahlan felt a sinking feeling of de-ja-vu.

"My name is Helps-Little-Old-Ladies-Across-the-Street! I am an unholy knight of Hell's vile knighthood of the Slaves of Common Decency! I will rape you!" the namble roared.

Kahlan stood petrified by terror. She knew that her Confessor powers did not work on demons.

The namble misinterpreted her silence. "Okay, it's not a fancy knighthood like the Reapers of Desolation or the Paragons of Altruism, but for a muggle like you it's plenty! What are you, a princess or something?"

The big, barbed namble cock advanced inexorably. Kahlan squaked out, "I'm more than a princess, I'm the Mother Confessor! Look at how long my hair is. You are not worthy to rape me."

"Hair-length denoting social status? That's ridiculous," the namble tittered. "That's like something George Lucas/Chris Claremont might... Nah. I think rather... It must be some long-haired hippie author with a yeard..."

The namble stopped wondering and started to prepare raping her. It ripped open her white Confessor dress with its big, unbarbed namble hands and bared her big, unbarbed Confessor breasts, Kahlan hit the namble with her Confessor power. There was a thunder without sound.

"Mistress, forgive me!" the namble begged.

"I thought my Confessor power worked only on humans, but in thinking that way I was violating myself and my own supremacy. In truth I can charm anything, and I bet that even my Confessor power's cooldown timer was only a mental conceit. Now that I have realized the truth, my worsening hay fewer will vanish," Kahlan realized. "You namble, cut off your big, barbed namble cock, eat it with your small, barbed namble testicles, and then kill the namble yourself." The namble obeyed instantly.

Unfortunately a dozen nambles had been watching from the shadows. They attacked Kahlan all at once with magic and bound her with a magic chain."This beauty is great for the Keeper's private harem/synchronized swimming team. They can use girls with a spirit there!" the namble leader said.

Another said, "She obviously can't deal with our Fireheart magic. This world will be ours, collectively!" The namble leader laughed. The namble second-in-command laughed. The namble who had just spoken laughed. All of the nambles laughed.

"Richard!" Kahlan shouted dejectedly. She knew that she loved Richard more than life itself and could not bear to be parted from him.


Zedd and Adie finally came to their full senses in a forest clearing. The last remains of the total mind-fog caused by their tragic and accidental digestion of Bangle Berries were finally gone, as the curative Warp Fungi had done their work. But some of the after effects were to remain. Zedd tried to take a step. He couldn't. He was rooted to the ground.

"Bags! By casting a minor light spell at the moment of the Triple Ninth Echo I have turned myself and Adie into trees... permanently, I fear!" Zedd exclaimed.


Richard swirled like death incarnate and the Keeper couldn't keep up. The chicken thing cast bolts, balls, and chain-lightnings of substractive, divisive, and derivative magic and tried to bite Richard with its chicken beak, but Richard had the skill of every one of who had wielded the Sword of Truth and blocked effortlessly all of the attacks.

Bringer of death.

"Don't be stupid. I'm not alive and therefore I can't die," the Keeper said. "And yes, I can read your mind. That "bringer of death" line is just stupid, like the entirety of you. You will never find the ancient Manual of Keeper-Destruction, for I have already sent my servants after it."

"Your mindless evil is no match for the power of Objectivism!" Richard shouted.

"You are wrong! I am the most brilliant and vividly-imagined villainous being in the history of the universe! I'm smarter than Lord Foul! I'm more powerful than Morgoth in his early years! I'm more evil than Hannibal Lecter and you combined! And best of all, I'm not some motivationless cardboard villain, unlike every other Dark Lord in fantasy! My actions are motivated by my devotion to the ideology of Evangelical Evilism! I will crush you utterly and without mercy and there's not a thing you can do to stop me!"

The Keeper's smugness made Richard even more angry. Instantly his anger made him win the war. The Keeper chickened out and started to run, its wounds healing instantly and its decapitated chicken head knitting back in place.

"This isn't over yet!" the Keeper shouted. "This is the ending decalogy for all the Richard-related series, and there's still nine books left of that! I have plans!"

"I, as the smartest and most powerful person in existence, will outwit you and beat you up! Then I will continue with many more adventures." Richard said.

"This whole world will end," the Keeper said. "This series has gone on for far too long. The publishing of it will cease after this final ten-volume attempt to wring the last drops of money from the ex-fans who still want to see how it ends." The Keeper teleported away, but Richard had cast the Trace Teleport spell and followed it to Hell.

In Hell Richard saw the Keeper rise to a taxi, which vanished into the traffic, leaving Richard all alone among the skyscrapers. But he was not alone. He had a purpose with him, a purpose to save Kahlan (who undoubtedly needed rescuing, since she'd been alone for at least fifteen minutes now) and to stop the forces that sought the destruction of his world. He started striding purposefully down the street.

The Fireheart decalogy will continue with the next installment, "The Naked-" ----- "Aaargh! Get him of me! I have a murderous madman with a sword in my office! Now he's cutting me with that sword! I'm dying, dripping blood on my keyboard from a massive chest wound, and now the madman is making a speech about the importance of loving life by killing book publishers, if you can believe it, or something like that and... lkjsdef... I can't type properly anymore... This is the end...

- Nerdanel


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, this blog seems to have an obsession with hating the sword of truth series. I admit that some of the books were bad bordering onto terrible but some of them were good too.
I need to start a blog to hate the Twilight series...

5:49 pm  

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